When life gives me lemons...

I don't want to make lemonade. I don't like lemonade. When life gives me lemons, sometimes I want to pick up that lemon and throw it right back. I don't mean a little toss. I mean 90 mile an hour fastball throw right into the face. Life is not always rainbows and sunshine. Sometimes it just plain old sucks. This week was the trifecta of parental suckage.

1. Sick kid. Few things suck more than having a sick kid. I hate seeing them curled up in bed, with that sad, queasy look in their eyes. Poor baby. But on the positive side, it was just a one day thing. He was up and on his feet by the end of the day.

2. An IEP meeting. Now I feel incredibly fortunate that since we have moved here, IEPs have generally been very positive. Back in California, I think I cried all the way home from each IEP meeting. I think I have only cried coming home once since we moved here. But even though they don't break me down into tears, it's still a kick in the gut. Another painful reminder that my kids struggle and have to work twice as hard to succeed. 

But on the positive side, I was surrounded by staff who do an amazing job with Noah. They are a very positive group of women. I know that Noah will make improvements under the care of this staff. I am confident in that. 

3. The first transition meeting at high school. This is a new layer of suckage that I have never experienced before. High school is a time when we start talking about some serious things. I'm learning about durable power of attorney, independent living, job coaches, trust funds.  Other parents are learning about SAT scores, college prep, financial aid.

I'm generally a very positive person. I try to find the joy in everything. But sometimes I...just...can't. This was one of those times. I sat in the transition meeting, becoming overwhelmed by all of the information. There is just so much to prepare for. Unlike most parents, who only prepare kids for college. I am preparing my kids for...well, forever! 

I need to bring my A game to these meetings. I need to make sure that everything is taken care of. I cannot fail at this. Because if I fail, my kids fail. I want them to achieve as much as possible, and then some. I want them to have the best jobs possible. I want them to live independently. I want them to have meaningful relationships with people. I want them to be able to afford cable TV, trips to the theater and vacations. These are the things that bring them joy. These are the things I want for them.

The good news is, I'm ahead of the game. We have a special needs trust all set up, we are on waiting lists for services the boys will need as adults. We are starting to put plans in place to make sure that both boys have a solid future. 

But a part of me just can't let go of that dream that I had 14 and 11 years ago. The dream that they would go to college, get married, have a family, have successful careers. The IEP and transition meetings will always be reminders that my idea of success for them is so much different now. 

On the positive side, I still have faith. Faith in a higher power, that will watch over my sons. And faith in the ability of my boys. The confidence that they will be successful, happy, kind hearted adults. Because Nik and Noah are two remarkable kids. 

So yeah, this week sucked a little. I don't have the life that most parents have. But I am so glad that I have the kids that I have. I wouldn't trade them for the world. They are pretty awesome kids!

Damn, I think I just made lemonade out of lemons. 

Autism.

Keep calm and stay positive!